I Finally Got “It”

Having covid allows for this weird paradigm between reality and forced self awareness. Drowning myself in hours on my phone allows for a mind numbing comfort that’s hard to explain. At least I was wearing blue light glasses, right?

Having a forced week of isolation gives you the option to completely ignore the real world. Go ghost on your friends or ignore the hours of school assignments piling up, it’s all part of getting better, right? When I breathe in my lungs crack and then I cough, a cough so loud and painful that my eyes protrude from their sockets. Then I get quiet and allow myself to sit there, pick up my phone and let snapchat flash blind my eyes again.

Today it is raining and normally I love a rainy day because no plan feels forced, however today is different, this rainy day will be the same as the sunny day yesterday and the day before. I will still be in sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and my hair will still be a mess. Being alone did not feel lonely until I realized that every time I speak to the cat he is in fact giving the same response every single time; no response. I couldn’t even say thank you to the man who delivered my groceries yesterday because Ididn’t want to give him my bad juju. Maybe today is the day where I summon bloody mary and the candyman in one sitting, they have the potential to be good covid companions.

The world stopped spinning for me and everyone else is whizzing by, yeah they are all just a call or text away but it feels further than that. This change of pace has me thinking I could make it as an indie movie director, become a freelance god, and drop every semi confident plan for my future that sort of existed. Maybe those are the worst of the symptoms.